Nosily Nathan, Chapter 2 – The Girl with the Choctop

Click here for Chapter One.

After complimenting young Scott on his stunning snout, Nathan lept and advanced  toward the usher in a strange mincing frolick, handed his ticket over and entered the dark sanctity of the cinema where his sexual snare for sniffers could be kept secret. Nathan must have been day-dreaming about diving into Scott’s adenoids for longer than he realised as the movie was already well underway. The audience groaned in annoyance as Nathan laggardly stepped over them, the awkward fetishist knocking a woman’s popcorn to the ground and perhaps not so accidentally brushing his hand ever so slightly across a young man’s beak.

He sat down in the only free seat, between a heavy-set middle-aged man who was fast asleep and gently snoring, which Nathan found oddly comforting; To his right was a young damsel armed with a choctop and a great set of tits. Nathan settled in and gazed up at the screen, at what he believed to be the greatest cinematic accomplishment since Groucho Marx’ Zionic schnoz lit up the silver screen in Animal Crackers, some 60 years before Gerard Depardieu’s legendary performance as Cyrano de Bergerac.

Cyrano was meeting with his cousin Roxanne, the object of his affection, his mighty nares diminishing his courage to express his incestuous love though. Nathan mused this was art imitating life, as he too pined for and yet could not cement true love born from nasal desire – God, how he longed for Scott’s proboscis to glide gently over his scrotum, up his shaft and delicately smell the tip of his penis.

Cyrano dismounted his horse and greeted his sweetheart Roxanne, the two standing under the light of a full moon. As the camera cut to a closeup of Depardieu’s sculpted snuffer, Nathan felt his love-sack shrink, his testicles shudder and his nostrils flit about in ultimate titillation. This was the very scene of Nathan’s premature departure last time he attempted Cyrano de Bergerac. He held it together this time though, and tried to not too closely examine the intricate folds and creases that made up Depardieu’s godlike horn.

The full moon had also partially lit up the cinema though and Nathan became aware again of the woman next to him. He had casually observed her icecream and well-endowed chest when sitting down, but somehow had missed the most divine, delectable nose he had ever encountered. Nathan knew he was in trouble.

Click here for Chapter Three.

The Jake & Simon Show, Sexual Snare for Sniffers! – Episode 14

Welcome to episode 14 of the Jake and Simon show! Jake finally edits and episode and Simon is oh-so-proud. We launch straight into our perverse new nose fetish series and see our hapless hero Nathan find himself in quite the pickle. We discuss Jake’s utter contempt for vegetarian homeless people and his bemusement at a cross dressers giant rack; he also reviews a bunch of shit – podcast ‘Last Podcast on the Left’, mondo movie ‘Australia After Dark’, packet noodles ‘Instant Noodles with Beef Flavour’. Simon fires up his new ’60 seconds with Simon’ segment, talks about the strange trend of Asian tourists visiting a small English town, does Brexit as best he can, and fills Jake in on his latest topic of interest – self surgery. We also talk the etymology of ‘gay’, how a freezer could save your life.

‘Instant Noodles with Beef Flavour’ (pictured centre), as reviewed by Jake.
‘Instant Noodles with Beef Flavour’ (pictured centre), as reviewed by Jake.

Nosily Nathan – Chapter 1, Meeting Scott

Nathan stood patiently in cue outside the cinema. His insides squirmed with excitement as his eyes flashed over the words on the marquee; “Cyrano de Bergerac”. An image of Gerard Depardieu as the poet with the mighty proboscis, crossed Nathan’s mind. His testicles lept into his abdomen as if he were standing on a precipice. Perhaps he was – after all, the last showing of Cyrano de Bergerac that nathan attended, had ended in disaster. Nathan had become so excited that he painted the inside of his pants with liquid lust, making his exit from the cinema quite a humiliating ordeal.

The girth and character of a person’s nose aroused Nathan greatly. The cinema wasn’t the usual place he would go to indulge his lust. The vast majority of hollywood stars have symmetrical features and those who aren’t born with them, usually undergo plastic surgery, something that nathan thought abominable. Nathan’s own nose was meager and he occasionally fantasized about getting surgery to make it more striking.

A young man’s voice broke nathan’s wandering mind, “Next Please!”

Nathan stepped up to the box office.

“One adult for Cyrano ple-”

His sentence was cut short as he studied the nose attached to the face he was now in front of.

The nasal bridge had definitely suffered a break at some point and the septal cartilage hadn’t set straight. The young man that the nose belonged to, couldn’t be older than twenty, perhaps it was a high school sporting injury? Cricket? Rugby? WRESTLING?! Nathan’s mind flipped through possible scenarios heatedly.

“Sir? which film have you come to see?” the young ticket vendor exclaimed.

“Oh, Cyrano de Bergerac please.”

As the ticket transaction was being processed, Nathan tore his eyes from the boy’s alluring facial feature and read his name tag:

Hello my name is Scott.

“Have you seen this film Scott?” Nathan asked.

“Oh, nah, not me” replied Scott, “not really into foreign stuff”.

As he said this, Scott wrinkled his nose to express his aversion to subtitled films. Nathan’s genitals writhed in response.

“Well, enjoy the picture sir.”

“I will Scott, I will. One more thing Scott.”

“Yes sir?”

“Has anyone ever told you that your nose is… delectable?”

Click here for Chapter Two. 

The Jake & Simon Show with guest, ‘The Beast’, Tredici Fortunati! – Episode 13

Episode 13! The Jake show, featuring Simon! Simon does fuck all preparation for the episode, but Jake holds it together with a stellar ‘spooky’ intro, chapter one of his new erotic novel and shares the specifics of a euthanasia machine built by a thrill-seeking scientist. We also talk about Italian horror movies, Bosnian anthems, and an American man who has a penchant for smoking chilli.

The Jake & Simon Show, Don’t Stop Believin’! – Episode 12

Jake and Simon continue with the unwarranted role of critic and pass judgement on podcast, My Dad Wrote a Porno, and Aussie film classic, BMX Bandits. They also discuss the spiteful press coverage of a local protest, and give you another installment of their new hit web series, Plastic Explosives (watch here). Fear not loyal listeners, some regular segments too: Jake and Simon ponder the ‘Margarita of Pain’ on How Low Would You Go, Simon meets his match this week in an inconceivable hypothetical on Devil’s Advocate and Monologue Museum makes a bodacious comeback.